I AM Broken; Not Toxic!

I am still trying to heal from an enormous amount of pain that no one should have to endure in life. No one sees the invisible disgusting scars that rid my soul, which I see every day in the mirror. I can never explain how destroyed I am, by the certain vile people who abused me. Now, I fake a smile and keep moving forward, while the little girl inside of me begs for a safe harbor.

Most days, I wake up feeling numb and angry at myself for all that I allowed regardless of my age. I should of fought back harder, instead of freezing and allowing the abuse that I felt I couldn’t stop. Other days, I feel like I am just something to be used and tossed aside like most everyone does.

I can’t even see myself in the mirror, due to the vast number of invisible scars that only I can see. However, I have tried so hard to fix what is broken inside me. Nevertheless, every time I start putting those pieces back that were shattered years ago, I just find the pieces are jagged and they just wont fit anymore.

I try to trust in God, but then I wondered how he could even love someone like me? Why would any one want me, since I am just damaged filth that everyone has left behind? Why did God allow you to victimized repeatedly, by those that said that they loved me? Most of the time, the evil entered my life through those I loved.

Unfortunately, so many toxic people entered my life and begin systematically ripping my innocence away…piece by piece! They groomed me and showed me a violent brand of love that is painfully seared into my memory. They told me I was that special to them and that love will always hurt…especially for me!

I prayed to this powerful God that everyone speaks of, but night after night he didn’t show up. Only the evil, that lives just beyond my door seems to visit regularly. I began to pray for healing but I know that the scars are still there. Now, I just ask yourself, “How do I heal my broken soul, when God is so silent?”

To those who view me as toxic, actually need to understand that I AM broken on inside. I am trying to smile on the outside, but I am full of pain on the inside. Truthfully, drugs have never taken away the pain and drinking just makes me stupid. So, with that said, I choose to trust in God and know that I will heal one day…even with the invisible scars!

Copyright 2019, Crystal S. Kauffman

(PS: I am not a Licensed Therapist. Based on Personal Experience.)