Today, was one of the hardest for me to get through in a long time. I posted this originally on my personal Facebook wall and I felt like blogging this too. I have added more to my story on the blog. I want to share something very personal with you…My reader!
Missing My Papa
Basically, I really wanted my granddad or Papa today. He was my: rock, my heart, and my partner, and my best friend. I feel alone without him beside me, especially on days like today. I was crying and for a fleeting moment in time. I could smell his aftershave…Old Spice!
Flooded With Memories
I laid down on the grass in my favorite spot and smiled with a giggle. I knew Papa had visited me, so I laid there for a while. Many years of memories came flooding back to my mind. I smiled a huge grin and cried some more. This was a bittersweet moment for me, because I missed him even more. I don’t care what your beliefs are, so do not give your opinion. I know God moved in my life today in several ways, as well as allowing me to remember his after shave’s smell. After years of drawing blank spaces, I got most of my memories with him back.
Carrying His Love
As I smelled my granddad’s Old Spice scent, I began and thinking about what about what he would do in my situation. He was a hard-working man, who encouraged me to succeed in anything I choose to do. I know that no matter how long my journey is without him, his love will carry me through the darkest night. No matter how long it takes me to get to the finish line. He will be there cheering me on with Granny and Uncle Chris or Bump. I know I would have not made it through today, without that gentle reminder of his love.
Who I Am?
I have Papa’s blood running through my veins, which means I am a Plyler. I’m a beast when I choose to make something happen for myself. I am an amazing yet talented woman who has faced cervical cancer stage 2b. I survived 17 years now, but cancer has killed many of my loved ones including Papa. I have managed to overcome each new obstacle in my life, even ones that people declared I could not be. I am not afraid to tell my story, as well as speak my damn mind when needed.
What is Love?
I am girl who deserves to be spoiled, just the way my Papa spoiled me. My family gave me such a hard time about being his favorite. However, I never second guessed that he loved me. He always had a huge smile and a giggle, whenever he brought a surprise home to me. Papa always listened to what I said, even when I thought he wasn’t listening. He rarely said, “I love you” because he felt that he showed his love through fixing my cars. He felt giving me whatever I needed during that day, when we worked together was showing his love.
Chasing My Dreams
He allowed and encouraged me to chase my dreams. He gave me the tools like a typewriter and the first computer that I needed to follow my dreams of writing articles for the local newspaper. My Papa was my best friend and protector throughout my entire life. He raised me as his own daughter and he taught me almost everything I know about cars and boys. He was a strong yet simple man, who did not ever break my heart. He spoke harshly at times, but he always spoke the truth in every situation.
Learning the Hardway
I have learned to love deep and fall hard, but I am also a stubborn asshole when I need to be. I am a person who screws up, but I always learn the lesson the hard way. I know I am a person who deserves to be lifted up, instead of being put down by people who say that they love me. No one has a right to make me feel like less of a human, because I don’t fit inside their suggested mold for my life. I may not ever be what anyone wants me to be.
Living as a Warrior
I don’t walk fast and sometimes I choose not to walk at all, whenever the pain is intense. I clean house on my good days and rest up on my bad days. I am proud of my accomplishments, I love myself, and I refuse to have any person degrade me. feel like I am Chronic Pain Warrior, which means I have bad days with my body and my health. I do not ever have to change who I am, in order to fit into anyone’s thoughts or ideas of how my life should be. I don’t have to do anything for anyone, so remember that I choose to have you in my life.
No one can take away that special moment I experienced today. I can recall the exact feelings that I felt when I smelled Papa’s aftershave. Before that magical moment, I was literally shattered inside and I felt utterly alone. I know this moment gave me power, determination, and an overwhelming desire to keep moving until I reach my goals. This moment will mean nothing to most, but that special scent meant the entire world to me.
My smile got brighter and my heart skipped a beat. I just knew that Papa was hugging me tightly at that moment. God knew at that time that I desperately needed to feel my Papa’s unconditional bond. My Papa allowed me to have a gentle but powerful reminder of the bond that we shared. I was also reminded that I was truly blessed to have been loved by my grandfather as one of his own children. Personally, I do hope you were able to share a bond like this in your lifetime on this Earth.
Thank you for reading!
Copyright by, Crystal S. Kauffman, 2018